I think I might be interested in dating again.
This is an entirely different compulsion than the urge for casual sex that been the unfulfilled mainstay of my Texas experience. But a relationship! Oy Vey! That is a separate beast entirely. A partnership. An investment. A giving up of freedom with respect to my peer group.
Do I really want this? Do I really want such dependence? Do I really want to care about someone? Do I really want to procreate? Do they? Do I want to alter my life plans to include an Other? Do I want someone who will pretend to understand me? Maybe.
Maybe is about the best I can muster. Obviously the answers all depend on a lot of factors.
And though you may not have been able to tell, factors are what this post is all about.
We all have goals in our transience, though they may not be so lofty as to deserve the name. Some have the goal of joining the clergy, others of becoming scientist. Sometimes our goals can be more base: being pretty, getting laid, getting high. Usually our baser goals are steps towards other goals, like forgetting.
More plentiful than the goals are our options, methods, ways, means, and factors that can be used to achieve these goals. One may wish to write a song, but the number of instrument permutations available is effectively infinite.
Ikariam and other free-form games and Capitalism have a vague sense of progression. You want more of something and you start off with nothing or near enough. However, there are many things to want and many ways to acquire them. Individual strategies will be based on individual goals. No two people could possibly play the game the same way; like life.
Why is this relevant? Historically, I have spent almost all of my time and research into furthering my academic abilities with a healthy side smattering of art. I studies Aphrodite with Promethean desire, but could not accept the vanity of her embrace.
My clear goal when I came to Texas was certainly not to date. I did not feel comfortable with my body. How could I ask someone else to accept me when I can’t accept myself? A paradigm shift in my values towards a more aesthetic me-ness took place. In my self-loving defense, it should be noted that I can’t accelerate my academic growth any faster than I already have, though Lord knows I have tried.
Thus the goal changed, as did what I was researching. However, I may now be approaching the point where I can no longer be fully focused on this goal. Yet the goal has yet to truly be achieved. So while I approach it, the answer to the aboves should go from maybe to yes.
Yet even inside this goal there are have been unanticipated options I have available. Initially, it was all about gross weight. This is a good first order approximation but it wasn’t exact enough. I need to worry about muscle mass and fat mass as well. I probably could have anticipated needed to turn these knobs, but the time has now come and my hand reaches out to grasp. If I can get these variable in the right ratios and solve my stomach problems I will probably be able to really say, “O Hai, I can haz date?”
[[Of course we all have side goals. For instance, I may have used language at the begging of this post that would subtly indicate that even though I am now interested I am apprehensive about relationships because of some past occurrences with them. This would of course be in order to reinforce some notions about me I think you have. Reinforcing such notions is naturally one of the better levers I have available FOR TEH LULZ]]